inner peace
some days i have it, some days i don't
The photo above is the view from my room — that is what I can see as I write these words. I see a man repairing something on the rooftop on the other side of the street. And that is perhaps all the movement that is happening currently. It is a Saturday, so most people are probably at home with their families, or at least that’s what it seems to me since it is so peaceful. Sure, below, on the surface, a lot of activity is going on, and now and then, I can hear the sirens of an ambulance or a police vehicle blaring, but that is about it. The birds seem to have taken a leave of absence today — it is bright outside, the weather is lovely, and yet not a soul seems to be doing anything for as far as the eye can see.
All of that evokes a sense of calm in me. It helps that I have a heater radiating heat in my room, not very far away from me. I feel a deep sense of fulfillment and peace that is in stark contrast to what I’ve felt for a long time. And that is how I feel on most days, to be honest. I do not have much to worry about, or even if I do, I know things would turn out okay — time and again, no matter how bad things seemed, most things always worked out in my favor. Not everything goes according to my wishes, obviously, but at the same time, things turn out fine. On multiple occasions, I had imagined the worst to happen when something very close to the best case occurred. Lately, I’ve just accepted that things are quite okay now.
I feel calm and happy with myself for the first time in a long time. Life’s trajectory seems to be going in the right direction. More importantly, people around me and those related to me care about me. I feel loved, cared for, and listened to in their presence. And that is all I can ask for after a turbulent teenage and constant movement in pursuit of educational opportunities.
To some, my life might look quite boring — I mean, I think that on some days, but it means that things are in the right place. There is not a lot of instability in anything. I work, take long walks around the beautiful city of Vienna, drink excellent cups of coffee, reflect on the state of life and the world, cook whatever I can, and talk to family and friends. I do that most days, and I am happy doing that. Does it mean I have attained enlightenment? I hope I do someday, but no.
I used to be very restless. I would move on from one project to the other, from one big idea to the next, from one interest to the next, without stepping back and thinking about a course of action. I would constantly worry about things beyond my control. Finding peace in what I was doing was unimaginable, but that changed with more experience.
Somewhere on the journey, I realized that even though things might look bad, with no sight of better days, most things eventually play out well. As for things outside my control, there is nothing that I can possibly do to change them. The best thing is to accept that fact and work on things I can control, such as trying to learn something new or spending time with someone.
Of course, that is easier said than done. There are still days when I feel overwhelmed by one thing or another. However, those days are rare now, and I know how to cope with such moments. I make myself hot tea or coffee, write down my feelings, go through my Photos highlights, or make silly videos. As self-serving as it sounds — I sometimes go through my old essays and remind myself of everything I’ve been through.
It makes me happy reading all those words. I do not write to become internet-famous or make money. Documenting my life serves at least one purpose — it helps me ground myself in reality and not worry so much all the time. I hope it also helps someone else in the future, that they relate to my experiences and know that things are not as bad as they seem. If my essays and the newsletter help at least one person in that regard, my purpose as the author will be realized.
I like to think that my experiences, especially the experiences I had after graduating from IIT Kanpur, taught me to be patient. I do not know if it is a good thing. On the one hand, it feels like a good thing — as I’m growing up, I do not wish for an instant outcome. But on the other hand, I wonder if, in growing up, I lost my sense of restlessness — that drive to get things done fast, expecting an instant fix for things. I hope it is not the latter and just a case of grounding myself in reality and getting used to the world’s ways. When the time comes for me to move fast and build things, I expect to be able to do it.
So, yes. I feel quite at peace — with myself, my achievements, the things I have, and the people I am surrounded by. I don’t know how long it will last, but I know that whatever challenges come my way, I’m prepared to face them — and wait for something to come out of it and not get overwhelmed by the millions of things outside my control. In writing these words, I wish you find inner peace in your own life. Or maybe I’m calling the wrong thing inner peace? Let me know in the comments. Have a great week ahead! Until next time, bye! 👋